


always, all my life

by gowons (sungyeols)



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Broken Families, F/F, Light Angst, Profanity, slice of life-ish?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 17:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14407191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sungyeols/pseuds/gowons
Summary: she ends up in front of the convenience store. jiwoo. she needs to see her.





	always, all my life

**Author's Note:**

> The whole fic is in lapslock. Just a heads up.

sooyoung is as regular as any other girl there is in town.

sure she's tall, but that's the only thing that stands out. she has fair good looks and no special skills in her. it doesn't also help the fact that she's poor. it's not her fault that her family isn't earning more than what an average household should. her father is the only person who is bringing money into the household and  _it isn't much_ because her mother isn't working. her mother is sick, for quite some time now and the money her father earns is mostly invested in her and sooyoung understands.

that's why she's out in the middle of the day right now, wearing interview clothes that she borrowed from chaewon, because she can't even afford to buy new clothes. she has in her hand a resume and is trying to apply to at least a part time job or something so she can help her parents. it has been the first thing on her list after becoming legal,  _to find a job._

so far, it's a fruitless search. she's been to five places and none of them look like they're willing to hire her anytime soon. sooyoung leans her head back because she feels a wave of pain starting to build up in her head.  _great, now she's starting to not feel well._

she's standing inside the bus because she just gave her seat to a pregnant woman when her phone buzzes from her pocket. it's an old model but it's still working properly so she doesn't bother replacing it. she sees the name of the caller and immediately answers it.

"so, how's the job hunt?" jiwoo's cheery voice comes out crisp from the other line. it's a voice that sooyoung already knows too well. she responds with a deflating balloon sound.

"don't worry, those people won't know that they just let a great person like you pass. they'll regret not having your tall appearance in their establishment." sooyoung chuckles at the attempt to comfort her. jiwoo is ever so optimistic about everything that it's just endearing. her bright disposition leaves sooyoung always smiling by the end of the day. 

"gee, thanks."

"where are you now though?" there's a little background noise, but nothing much.

"inside a bus, going home. i'm tired and hungry."

"great. pass by the convenience store, i'll wait for you."

 

* * *

 

surprisingly, jiwoo stands out quite a bit in their town.

she's a year younger than her, and she's pretty, polite and nice to everybody. she's also courteous and obedient. she was abandoned by her father just before she was born, and her mother is a rude woman who knew nothing but treat her poorly and gamble most of the time. it's actually part of the reason why jiwoo is well known. she's the poor kid with a bitch for a mother.

sooyoung was the first good thing that ever happened to her life, when she was seven and jiwoo was locked out of the house again because her mother had a fit. sooyoung was new to the neighborhood and the first kid she saw was this little girl who looked around the same age as her, sitting outside a house, crying. sooyoung had been the one to offer her comfort since then. it's a give and take situation, with what comfort she gives to jiwoo—the latter compensates it with affection. 

it's a lazy day at the convenience store where jiwoo works at when sooyoung arrived. she sits behind the counter, lazily tapping her fingers on top of it with her hair on a half messy bun. she immediately lights up like a christmas light when she spots sooyoung.

"why have you requested my presence, empress kim jiwoo?" she asks her.

"this kind and fair empress is offering you food, free of charge." she says in a noble tone and sooyoung smiles at her.

she gives her instant ramen a few minutes later. it's always been sooyoung's favorite and basically the first on the list of things that they can afford.

"the finest meal for the finest friend." jiwoo declares as she placed the bowl of ramen in front of sooyoung. they'd always do this when eating, pretend that the food is more expensive and that they are living high class.  _because it's the only time it will really happen, when we pretend,_ sooyoung had said before. it was sad, but it was the truth.

they eat in silence, the two of them. it was comfortable and calming. it has always been jiwoo's way of comforting sooyoung. she wants to be there for her, when the other is troubled. the past few years have been quick for jiwoo because sooyoung was there for her, had helped her in every way she can. so in moments like this where sooyoung lets jiwoo in her head and emotions, she wants to be there. it's the only thing she can do. sooyoung knows it and just lets her do her thing. it has become an unspoken agreement for them.

sooyoung stays there for a few more hours and they talk, nonsense pass of words back and forth that keeps jiwoo occupied for the rest of her uneventful shift. yerim appears for her shift so they both walk on their way home. the sun sets and the day ends like that, with no uncertainty as to how tomorrow will be.

 

* * *

 

the day that things started to change happened on a saturday.

sooyoung doesn't attend university anymore—she stopped because of financial problems—so she just spends the day helping around the neighborhood to earn a few bucks then sleeping in her bedroom afterwards. but today her sleep is postponed because jiwoo insists that they meet up. jiwoo drags her to a small restaurant, nothing too fancy and before she could complain or something, jiwoo buys meat for the two of them.

"what's all this for? what's the occasion?" she asks jiwoo and the latter just smiles, dimpling.

"what? i'm at a loss. what's up?" she takes jiwoo's arm and holds on to it. jiwoo finally looks at her and places her hands on sooyoung's shoulders to ease the tension.

"relax, i got a bonus from my job. and i wanted to treat you to some nice food. not ramen, but real food—like meat." she explains and sooyoung kind of frowns. jiwoo is nice and thoughtful, but it seems as if it's a waste, spending money for her when she's not that well off too.

"you could have used the money for more important stuff, you know."

"but you're important to me. you deserve this. now stop complaining and give me meat."

she doesn't talk about it for the rest of the night. both of them ate a lot and decided to just crash in the playground in the park because none of them are willing to go home just yet.

the next time it happens, it's because sooyoung is in need of another set of decent clothes for a job interview. she sends chaewon a quick text  _(i need job interview clothes lend me some)_ but it's jiwoo who appears in front of her doorstep hours later, in hand are brand new clothes still in the paper bag. she wonders if she sent the wrong message to her. 

"what is this?" her eyes are in danger of falling out of their sockets and the look of disbelief on her face is so obvious but jiwoo looks at her, completely oblivious.

"job interview clothes?" jiwoo says dumbly, thrusting the paper bag in her hands.

"yeah, but i texted chaewon. and i was expecting something from her closet, not the department store of the rich people. take it back to the store."

"i'm not taking it back to the store sooyoung. it's for you."

"no. why are you even doing this? just lend me that white button up and your black pants. or text chaewon."

"no, i won't lend you those."

"but i'm not going to wear this. it's expensive and totally uncalled for. how did you even afford this?" she says as she scans the items inside the paper bag. there's a nice skirt and a polo shirt and even a nice pair of shoes. it looks really expensive and sooyoung, for the life of her, couldn't think of how she could've afforded it. 

"okay, think of it this way. those stuff are things that you loaned from me. if you're uncomfortable with me giving it to you for free, then pay for it when you get your job. but just so you know i'm giving it to you for free, and i'm not asking anything back." jiwoo explains and she's still calm and relaxed and on the contrary sooyoung's mind is running, wondering.

"why?" she asks, and jiwoo shrugs.

"because you matter to me."

sooyoung wears the new clothes and manages to get hired. it's nothing much, just a job in the post office, but it pays fairly and sooyoung is more than thankful. she sends jiwoo a text ( _u little shit i got hired i'll take u out for nice food later w8 for me)_  but when she arrives at the convenience store jiwoo isn't there. she calls her but she doesn't pick up.

it stays that way for a few days, and it leaves sooyoung uneasy.

 

* * *

 

 

jiwoo hasn't seen sooyoung for weeks.

the latter hasn't been contacting her either. after she disappeared off to somewhere, sooyoung had been contacting her nonstop but she refused to accept the calls because she's sure that once she hears sooyoung's voice she'll give in and tell her everything but  _no, not yet._ she shouldn't tell sooyoung because it isn't time yet. and that has made sooyoung say things ( _i fucking worried for u, wtf where r u even r u still alive? am i not your friend? why the fuck would u disappear just like that???)_ over and over until one day it stops, the calls and texts.

jiwoo is relieved but somewhere in her heart there is another feeling but she can't put a name on it.

she returns to work a few days later after that and her boss is mad but can't afford to lose another employee so she's easily forgiven. sooyoung doesn't pass by the convenience store and jiwoo wonders if sooyoung still hates her or something. the days pass by quickly and she doesn't remember much. nothing eventful has happened. it's as if her dull life had been reduced to a black and white still photograph.

it's a rainy day when sooyoung steps inside the convenience store. she's wet, her work clothes are sticking on her skin and her face is set in an eternal scowl. jiwoo had been ordered on short notice to extend her shift because yerim was sick so she's there, sitting with a bowl of ramen in front of her. she's chewing on a noodle when sooyoung looks in her direction.  _she_ _hasn't changed much,_  jiwoo thinks.

"you piece of shit, i fucking hate you." sooyoung says and its sharp and has more bite than bark and jiwoo can feel her breath retreating from her lungs and her chest is pounding erratically.

"w—why what i—" she stammers rather dumbly and sooyoung has this look of utter disbelief and a flash of anger in her eyes. jiwoo feels needles pricking her eyes.

"what? why? you fucking piece of shit went missing for weeks without contact. no one knows where the fuck you've been!" sooyoung's voice echoes inside the store and jiwoo is thankful no one else is there with them. sooyoung has never screamed like this at her. sooyoung has never been mad at her like this. she tries to open her mouth but no words come out. she feels her chest heaving and her hands shaking.  _sooyoung._

"i worried about you so much! i had to keep myself from thinking that you aren't dead or suffering someplace where i can't reach you! god damn it jiwoo!"

"i'm sorry." she says and she hears her voice breaking. tears are threatening to spill at this point because she has never felt so small like this, so guilty.

"sooyoung, _i'm sorry._ " she chokes out and it's true and she's scared because she's really suddenly  _so sorry about everything_ and she covers her face with her hands as she cries.

"jiwoo." sooyoung's voice now is low and relaxed. jiwoo feels herself become suddenly enveloped into a hug. she gives in to the hug and cries a bit more.

"i'm sorry too. i overreacted. i don't really hate you, i'm just upset. please don't cry anymore." sooyoung rubs circles in her back and comforts her. it's familiar, how her back is already used to sooyoung's long fingers and how sooyoung's scent gets to her and helps her heal. just like how it has always been ever since they met. just like how it has always been when sooyoung comforts her.

she lifts her head up to look at sooyoung. her eyes are red from the crying but sooyoung is wet and her hair is clumping into little patches of chaos and she doesn't care. sooyoung removes her hand from her back and she feels fingers run through her hair. sooyoung holds her closer and gives her a kiss on her forehead.

"don't cry anymore. it's going to be okay."

 

* * *

 

but things are easier said than done.

things are easier said, because words are easy to spit out but hard to chew. like reality. how hard it is to climb to the peak and how easy it is for life to become a downward spiral in minutes.

sooyoung hasn't really hated her life. she might be sad about her family's disposition sometimes, but never has she hated her life.

until that moment where she gets fired from her job for an unintentional mistake, and at the same day she hears that her mother needs to undergo with the prolonged surgery immediately because an internal organ suddenly failed. she doesn't have much time left and if she's not treated immediately, she won't be able to survive. she's on the bus home when her father calls her and she can't help the force that is blocking her pathway for air. she feels like she's underwater and her lungs are being filled with liquids. she gets off the bus on the next stop and she starts walking to wherever her feet may take her.

she ends up in front of the convenience store.  _jiwoo._  she needs to see her. 

she enters the store and sees jiwoo behind the counter, punching items for the customer in front of her. jiwoo sees her and she hitches a breath. after the customer has left jiwoo hurries over to her and hugs her. she buries her face in jiwoo's neck and hugs the other tightly. she feels as if jiwoo would slip away from her too if she doesn't hold on tight so she clutches her shirt.

"hey, what happened? sooyoung?" jiwoo asks her as she is guided to sit on one of the store's chairs. she tells jiwoo everything and jiwoo nods in understanding as she holds sooyoung and pats her back.

"i don't know what to do. i just lost my job. i don't know where i will get money to pay for my mother's surgery. i just can't let her go like that. my dad spent half of his life working just to make her live. i can't, i don't—i just—" she drops her head on the table and sighs. tears fall out and her vision is blurry. jiwoo stays quiet for the rest of the time being while rubbing her back.

jiwoo walks her home that night. the walk feels long and quiet even though there are cars beeping every now and then. they are walking side by side and every now and then jiwoo's hand would brush against hers.

"hey sooyoung." jiwoo breaks the silence first.

"what is it?"

"hypothetically, if i go to jail, would you still love me the same?" jiwoo asks, voice is laced with genuine curiosity. she stops walking and jiwoo stops too.

"of course. i'd still love you the same."

"good to know." jiwoo says after a few seconds and they continue walking their way to their houses. jiwoo hugs her in front of her doorstep and kisses her on the forehead, then on her lips. words need not be spoken for them.

 

* * *

 

 

the rest of the days pass by like a blur.

sooyoung stays with her mother in the hospital to take care of her while her father is out taking care of the piling sum of a hospital bill. in those days jiwoo texts her words of encouragement ( _we'll find a way, stay strong. luv u)_  because the latter is busy with her job. the doctor refuses to do the surgery until they have sufficient money and what they have is nowhere near that now. it's a good thing they aren't even kicked out of the hospital but she feels that it will happen soon. 

"sooyoung." her thoughts are halted and she looks at the door to see jiwoo standing there clad in a simple shirt and jeans. it looks like she's just out of her shift at the store.

"jiwoo." her voice sighs at the name. "what are you doing here?"

"i wanted to visit your mom. also i havent seen you for days." jiwoo admits, slumping on the chair beside her.

"how have you been?" she asks and jiwoo takes her hand to intertwine their fingers. good thing her mother is asleep. 

"i'm okay. but how about you, when is your mom going to have her surgery?"

"to be honest, i don't know. our money isn't enough yet and i think we'll be kicked out of here real soon." she frowns deep. she feels sorry for her mom, for her dad, for herself. how shitty their life has become. she feels sorry for jiwoo for dragging her into this mess, having to listen to all her troubles and be her shock absorber. she sees jiwoo play with her fingers a bit and shuffling in her seat.

"about that. um. i wanted to help so—" jiwoo reaches out for the black bag with her free hand and shoves it in her direction. she opens the bag and sees money inside. not the kind of crumpled and used bills but money in bundles and are crisp to the touch. her eyes widen and she thinks she stops breathing at some point. 

"jiwoo." she says and jiwoo doesn't reply. instead she squeezes sooyoung's hands, head bowed down.

"jiwoo, what is this? where did you get this?" she can feel fear slowly trying to creep up to her now because jiwoo doesn't respond to her nor look in her eyes. she lets go of the other's hand rather forcefully and she grabs her in the shoulders.

"jiwoo. look at me. please. what did you do? oh my god jiwoo." she shakes jiwoo's shoulders.

"i wanted to help you. i can't bear to see you sad." jiwoo says, face stoic and looking down. sooyoung reaches for the bag again and grabs a bundle. she flips the bills and inspects at it.

"did you steal this? you robbed a bank? jiwoo, answer me." silence between them seem to stretch out for eternity and the only thing she can hear is the beeping from the machine that's connected to her mother.

"yes. so what if i did. does that change anything?" jiwoo says and sooyoung feels sick in the stomach that she has to grip her chair to hold herself up.

"it does jiwoo! i'm not accepting this! and you, you just stole someone else's money!"

"i'm doing this for you."

"i didn't ask you to!"

"i wanted to help you. you know i would do anything for you. everything. i don't want to see you having a hard time so i thought i should do something."

"but not like this! what am i? a fucking charity case to you? you're a criminal now! i don't know how i should feel about this, like should i be happy that i have money in front on my face but it's someone else's and it was stolen and i'm just, i don't know i feel bad and guilty and this is just wrong in so many levels—" her head is spinning at this point and she feels really sick in the stomach. she never thought jiwoo would go to such lengths.  

jiwoo looks like she's about to talk back but she closes her mouth again and sooyoung has had enough. she grabs the bag and dumps it on jiwoo's lap.

"take your money and go. i don't want to see you."

"sooyoung—"

"go. i'm not accepting this."

"let me—" she shoves her to get out of the room but jiwoo refuses to budge.

"leave, or i'm reporting you to the police." she threatens and jiwoo looks at her with pleading eyes.

"sooyoung please—"

"i said leave jiwoo! what part of 'i don't want to see you' did you not understand?" she shoves her hard again and this time jiwoo doesn't attempt to even fight. she watched the other grab the bag and leave the room without a word. after the door closes sooyoung rushes to the bathroom and leans in front of the sink for a long time, feeling sick to the stomach but no contents rush out.

she feels as if she has made jiwoo a criminal, somebody who had a brighter future than hers—and it makes her sick to think she ruined a beautiful life.

 

* * *

 

 

her father was able to make ends meet and her mother was able to undergo surgery. her mother gets better every day.

she applies for another job and gets accepted.

she never saw jiwoo again after that day.

its weird, how she literally grew up with jiwoo and was stuck to the hip ever since they were young but now she doesn't see jiwoo anymore. doesn't even hear about her. it's as if kim jiwoo never existed. but she knows jiwoo did exist and she painfully remembers her.

there are nights where she can't help but think of jiwoo and what has happened to her. sooyoung isn't religious but she prays that the latter is safe, wherever she may be.

she wants to tell her a lot of things, apologize to her on top of everything. she wishes that if there was a god out there and he was willing to grant one wish, she hopes he would let her meet jiwoo again. 

one day she goes home from work and there's a peach envelope on their mailbox. it had a little sticker on the back and without even seeing the name she knew who it was from. 

she hurriedly went inside to open the letter. it wasn't very long, but it was more than what she hoped for. 

jiwoo tells her she's fine. she's somewhere where she's safe. she apologizes for taking too long to let her know. she apologizes again and again, and in the end, she asks for forgiveness. 

jiwoo doesn't know but sooyoung has already forgiven her, as love does not keep record of wrongs. 

in the very end there is a follow up message, and sooyoung wipes her tears as she reads it.

_i will come back only when you allow me, true to my word i would do anything you'd want me to. i miss you. i hope to see you soon again._

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing/posting for Loona so I'm kind of anxious, but I hope it wasn't as bad? This was actually an old idea that was just in my laptop so I decided to fix it. Please let me know what you think on the comments below heheheh


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